Self-care is not selfish. It’s essential. In this episode, life coach Randy Spelling joins Marc Lehman for a candid conversation about self-care and mental health. They dive deep into how self-care is more than just indulgent moments; it encompasses setting boundaries and finding simple joys like a refreshing walk to clear the mind. They discuss the challenges faced by today’s youth, including rising anxiety levels and the impact of digital communication on real-life interactions. Tune in for insights that inspire a healthier, more fulfilling life!
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Embracing Life’s Challenges Through Self-Care With Randy Spelling
Introduction
We are meeting with Randy Spelling. Randy, thank you so much for joining us and taking the time. How’s the weather out your way?
It’s beautiful. It’s probably in the high 70s. It’s going to be in the low 80s. I can’t complain. What about you?
It’s a little warmer than that. It’s about 95 out here. A little warmer than I would prefer but that’s okay, indoor and air conditioning. We’re all good. Out this way, we usually get those temperatures a bit in the summertime. Randy, let me introduce you a bit and I’d love to hear a little bit more about who we are and what you do. Randy is a life coach. I know you’re a former actor. Randy, I have just to admit, I turned on to your show which I love, by the way. Randy runs a show with Brian Austin Green and I believe Brian’s fiancé, Sharna Burgess. It’s called Oldish. We would love to hear more about that and other things that you’re up to you.
I’ve known Brian for what feels like 30 years, but we’ve known each other a long time. He called me out of the blue and said, “I’m watching your videos on Instagram and I’m inspired. Would you do a show with me? I have this idea.” It was to make an impact, reach people, and answer questions that at this age, we say that it’s not an age but it’s seasoned in life that you get to where you start to ask, what is this all about? Why am I here? Is this it? Can I make my days better? Can I do something to feel better?
A lot of what I’m sure we’re going to talk about is normalizing things such as having a bad day, being down, and is there some form of depression. We’re not diagnosing anything but we’re bringing on experts. I’m helping people to have the conversation, ask the right questions and also have some fun and entertainment value while doing it, but to start to tackle like how do I feel better on a daily basis? We know that if we feel better on a daily basis and we get more exercise, if we do some of the things that we know we should be doing and we check those boxes. It adds up no matter what age you are living a better life.
Self-Care
No doubt. I couldn’t have said it better and you’re right. What brings us together is the topic of mental health and wellness. No matter how old you are, everybody is susceptible and impacted in some way. Our challenge literally every day in our world is, what are some of those things that you can do? Even small things that you can do to take care and to let yourself feel better and ideally have a better path toward things. That brings me to my first topic I want to ask you about self-care, which I know you know a ton about. I wanted to ask you just your thoughts of like, when you hear the phrase self-care, what do you think of?
When I hear self-care, I think of ways to love myself more. I think of setting boundaries because boundaries are a huge form of self-care. It’s like self-care luxury getting in a bubble bath or getting a massage or getting your nails done. Self-care could be anything. For instance, I came in from work and jumped in to do dishes and dinner with my family. There were about four questions coming at me at once.
At some point, my daughter was trying to make this new dish that she wanted to make. The kitchen was a mess and she said, “We don’t have this ingredient.” I said, “That’s okay. I’ll go to the store.” She said, “No, you don’t have to do it.” I said, “I want to do it. I need a walk.” I walked to the store and that four-minute walk was myself there because I could feel the tensity and the stress rising in me. I knew that that wouldn’t end.
It’s free and simple. I walked to the store but I used that for a minute to decompress, to take a look at trees. It sounds like a platitude here, but it’s amazing how getting out of your walls, prompts and voices can connect you to something different. That’s all we need, a rain change, a focus change, or a perspective change and that works wonders.
It’s amazing how getting out of your walls, prompts, and voices can connect you to something different. Share on XYou’re 100% right. As a therapist, I talk a lot about the five senses. The way we make sense of our world is through those five senses. If we shift and we change one of them, that’s why listening to music, going for a car ride or a walk and doing those things can make us feel different and oftentimes, better. Self-care comes in a lot of different shapes and sizes. Some of the little things that you just talked about, it was overlooked a lot by people.
Simply setting those limits because like you, sometimes people will come home and they just simply want to be with their family. They don’t want to answer business calls or respond to emails. They want to have some time with their family. In order to do that, you have to go back to setting those limits. It becomes important.
It’s so funny when we talk about these self-care moments, whether they’re small things of going for a walk. It’s something I was saying to my daughter is just talking and saying how you feel is a form of self-care. Saying, “I’m struggling with something.” That’s huge to get out and you see this in your work. Writing is important. Talking is important. Getting anything out of your head and onto drawing, painting, or writing. Getting it out in some form is so incredibly impactful because otherwise, it’s like a pinball. It keeps going round and round and creates this pattern of pressure cooker.
We are self-caring but it’s like you can self-care in the wrong way and you can self-care in the right way. What I mean by that is reaching for your phone. We’re trying to self-care and self-soothe at that moment. It just might not lead to the feeling that you want. Vices and addiction or things like that. People reach for a drink or a cigarette or something.
That, funny enough, is someone trying to practice self-care. “I’m stressed.” “I had a hard day.” “Let me pour myself a cocktail.” That takes the edge off. It’s the way that we talked about it. After a while, when someone’s reaching for a drink and there’s no judgment here. It’s like every single day if you’re reaching for a drink to take the edge off. There can be other ways to do that. It just becomes the habituative.
Very well said. It’s important for people to think of it that way. As you said, there are things to reach for that are healthy and maybe aren’t but I do agree. Anxiety level is in everybody. I treat young adults. Anxiety levels in young adults are so high these days. Way higher than when we were kids. It becomes important to do what you said. It’s to figure out what works best for you.
I have some kids on college campuses. They’ll throw their earbuds in and they’ll walk further. Great. It clears your head. I have some kids that will smoke pot. Again, as you said, not the greatest option but they’re reaching for something to try to figure out a way to care for themselves. Ultimately, what they’re trying to do is to relieve stress.
Youth Anxiety
I want to ask you a question because I’m seeing this, too. I think everyone is starting to see this explosion of anxiety kids. It is amazing to hear the conversations, which I’m thankful for in one sense that there are these conversations happening. It’s more mainstream that kids can say, “I’m feeling anxious or I want to fidget with something or something’s not right.” It’s happening so much. It’s so prevalent. What do you think this is from?
It’s funny. It’s one of the questions I want to ask you.
We’ll ping pong.
I would answer by adding to it and then answering the question. That is, this generation is growing up with so much more around them. Here’s a great example. If you said to most people in their 40s and 50s, “When you were in high school, did you know of anybody who either tried to hurt themselves or completed taking their own life?” They would probably say no. Nowadays, if you say to a kid in their teams that same question. Not only did they know somebody. They’ve got several people on that list. That’s just the reality of their world.
They’re growing up around a lot more extreme depression, extreme anxiety, and extreme anxiety. I certainly don’t think phones have helped. In many ways, phones have created a lot of intensity for kids that isn’t necessary. Quite honestly, I would say to you, right back at what you said earlier. The fact that kids don’t interact this way as much as they had when we were younger has created a tremendous amount of stress and strain.
If I say to a kid, “You’re sixteen, let’s talk about going into a store to apply for a job or you’re nineteen, let’s talk about going back to see a professor for office hours or you’re 21, let’s talk about networking with someone in business.” Kids will frequently push back at me because they don’t like that direct interaction. They’d rather Snapchat or text. They like indirect interaction. Unfortunately, that creates a lot of pressure, stress, and strain. In life, you just simply need to be able to have that interaction. There’s certain things that require it and when those scenarios come up for kids, it’s hard.
Do you think that there’s anxiety and angst around having to have those interactions and it feels so uncomfortable that they’d rather just not engage at all?
I see it all the time. Here’s a great example. Kids go to college. You have a random roommate. That’s terrifying to some kids. You have all these random people in the hallways they don’t know. They’re going from a group of kids they knew in high school to nobody. That’s terrifying to most kids. Believe it or not, Randy, when I treat kids that go to college. They’re more worried about that than they thought about their classes.
I’m not surprised. Do you know how the whole introvert and extrovert thing became popular? You see phases. It’s like gaslighting. In the last couple of years, it is like all the rage and narcissism. I started to watch these trends having done this now for a long time. Introvert, extrovert, and empath became big thing. It’s interesting because this always existed. You have people who are more introverted. People who are more extroverted, but because of phones, the way that kids are communicating through text and not picking up the phone and talking and sitting in person.
It blew my mind. I was telling the story. I was talking to a teenager and she was showing me Snapchat. I wasn’t that familiar with it. I was asking these questions and she said, “This is how we hang out.” I said, “What do you mean?” She said, “We’ll be at a coffee shop. My friends and I will sit in a semi-circle or a circle all on Snapchat.” Their snapping. Whatever you call it, snapping each other in the circle. That isn’t mind blowing, so I wonder.
In terms of normalizing conversations, normalizing the fact that it can feel normal to be anxious about social situation. I feel anxious about social situations sometimes. I don’t like small talk. I can connect with people well. When I’m in a big party, the idea of going up to anyone and talking, I don’t love but I thought there was something wrong with me. I created a story around it and then narrative. Now, I made a deficit.
In terms of normalizing conversations, we should normalize the fact that it can feel normal to be anxious about social situations. Share on XI’m not going to want to step foot at a party for a long time because I was like, “There’s something wrong with me.” I’m bad or I’m not enough or I’m comparing to other people. Having more conversations like this and being able to say yes. For some people, this is easier. This is a skill. It takes practice. Other people are feeling this way and kick up the dust a little around this. We can normalize it and say, “Hey.” Not only is it normal. There’s tools for this.
You use the right word, skill. There are a lot of kids out there. I find most kids out there have to work at this. It’s not a natural thing to do. I’m still thinking about that example you gave. I picture a kid with like five phones at a table. We were groomed as kids to go out and play in the neighborhood and interact. Kids don’t do that anymore. When they get to a situation like a high school or a college. That is terrifying because they don’t have a lot of experience with it.
Here’s the cool thing. If they’re able to hang in there and give themselves and practice it, if you will, each day and have a willingness to join a club or join an activity and say hello. Even small little things instead of someone walking by you in the hallway. Say hi. Interact with them. Take those small steps. You start to see that kid begin to build that skill set, which is amazing. It’s truly amazing.
I have an idea. I think we should do a social experiment and have some tech that pops up emojis. AI is all the big rage. I would love to see the social experiment of kids who feel uncomfortable engaging in real life being able to communicate with emojis and they can talk. I wonder because everything is through text and there’s so much emoji and abbreviations. If that were a part of live interaction, would it make it more comfortable because it brings some of the comfort of the screen and the hiding behind in the way of communicating in real life?
It’s an interesting point. I certainly have kids with their parents. I’ll say sometimes, “Communication is important even if you have to start with text. Let’s start somewhere.” That becomes a pathway. You may be on to something. There are a lot of kids out there with social anxiety and just a resistance if you will to that connection.
You might be onto something. You might be a good link for some kids to be able to be able to make. I will say this, Randy, without something like that. Those kids that just walk by a kid in the hallway will literally sit down next to a kid in the classroom and not say a word. Those kids aren’t building that skill set and remain unhappy. You can see why a lot of young people struggle with that.
Post-COVID Wellness
Another interesting topic. You talk about trends. People talk about post-COVID constantly. I get it. That turned our world upside down and it affected things. Many individuals were in their homes and isolated. Many people lost family members and their jobs. It was a topsy-turvy time for the entire country. World, in many cases. When you think about wellness and you think about how wellness has changed from your perspective since COVID?
The landscape has changed a lot. I went from doing a lot of things in person, speaking gigs and whatever to doing mostly online. That has changed. Here’s how I see it. It’s like if you hear loud noises, if you’re around someone who yells a lot and you don’t like it. You might not know how it’s affecting you, but after a while even when there’s no yelling anymore. When you hear a loud noise, your nervous system flinches. Is it going to be someone yelling? Is it something bad? Am I in danger?
We all have enough information some more than others about trauma because that seems to be such a hot topic. It’s like there’s this trauma response that got activated through COVID. It hasn’t stopped because once it gets activated, then you have the political landscape. You have all of the polarization in everything. You have wars. You have live direct feeds of people being attacked or murdered. All these things, unfortunately, that are happening but the live feeds of seeing is just reactivating the fear and the stress response.
I feel like everyone is walking around like this, but the sun’s out. It’s just like we go back to life as normal. There’s all of these things happening in the background that are causing so much static. If we’re looking for solutions here, I tell people weekly, there’s no shame in turning off the news feed. You’re not a bad human being for not watching 24/7. Some people are like, “I’m being silent.” No, you’re taking care of yourself.
If you’re not taking care of yourself, it can be very hard for you to take care of those around you if you’re a parent or you’re a partner or you have to do things in the world. That’s okay. We talked about self-care. Go out and go for a walk. Unplug if you need to. Say no to things more. Say yes to things that fill you up and light you up. We have to prioritize this and put it like this. When you have a health crisis, you prioritize things pretty quickly.
I’m not labeling here. I think to a degree, we all can contend with having a health crisis. Some are more on the spectrum than others. Some are more in dire need, but if we look at it like this, I am having a health crisis. What do I need to do to care for myself better? What do I need to do to lower the threshold of stress because there is just too much? Even if you can’t see it, it’s not invisible. It doesn’t just go off and eaters. It has Innovative affecting and you will start seeing health things, unfortunately, in the coming months or years. We have to lower this threshold of stress because it’s too high for most people.
I would agree. I’m thinking about that. You mentioned the election. As I mentioned before, I treat a lot of kids on college campuses. In the last few months before their semesters ended, there were encampments popping up all over college campuses and talk about unpredictable. One kid said to me, “I didn’t see this on the tour.” These are scary things that are in their world that they have no control over.
Advice For Young People
To your point, trying to figure out something they do have control over and ways to manage that becomes critical. It just becomes so important. Probably a good segue. Let me ask you this. I feel like for many adults, our journey in life has involved a lot of suggestions and advice from people. I know, for me, I had several important mentors along the way that guided me well. Randy, if you were talking to young people directly. Is there a piece of advice that you’d want them thinking about and considering?
There’s so much. I think talking and expressing yourself cannot be overestimated. It just can’t. Daily, I have people of all ages who I’ll ask a question. They have probably thought about the answer a million times but saying it and hearing themselves say it out loud like we talked about. It gets it out of their head. Once it’s out, then they have the ability to go, “Do I want to read and digest that or not?” It’s like regurgitating something and going, “That’s what was in there? I don’t know if I wanted to do that.” Please don’t overestimate the power of speaking in witness of people.
Talking and expressing yourself cannot be overestimated. Share on XThat can be a mentor, a therapist, a coach, friends, or family. Friends and family are always the best depending on how support is and non-neutral or neutral they can be but still, it is so vital. Another piece of advice I would say is just from growing older and yes, I have the show called Oldish, things change by decade. They do. I have two daughters and I will tell you what they go through as a kid and in middle school, coaching people and watching teens 20s or 30s. What you care about in high school, in your twenties starts to change as you change and grow.
There is a shedding like snakes and lizards when they shed their skin. You do shed skin over time. I hope to instill hope in the fact of waiting in the idea that if you can get through, if you can navigate through, learn some tools, regulate yourself, and navigate things better things can and will usually do get better if you’re just practicing a little awareness. Putting your head in the sand and not dealing with anything that you have to deal with yourself. You’ll have to deal with it at some point. Practicing a little awareness like we’re talking about and moving through. You will get to a different rest and then a different raft. All of the sudden, you’re on an island and, all of a sudden, you’re on land. You’re like, “I’m building a house.”
Moving in a good direction. I love that. That was a tough question I asked and you handled it well, Randy. The power of conversation is so important. I just find so many young people tend to hold everything up and in their hearts. They don’t let it out. What they often find, especially in my office, is when they do, now we can massage it, work with it, talk it through and come up with solutions.
It doesn’t have to be a therapist. It can be a coach. It can be as you mentioned a family member or a friend. It could be a lot of people, but find your person. Finding your person is so important. Randy, let me ask you this because I don’t want to take too much of your time. Part of the conversation what normalizes it forward is I hope to continue the conversation. I hope to help normalize mental health and wellness and give people an understanding of we are all susceptible. We are all dealing with these things. The more we talk about them, the easier they become. I often will ask for someone to nominate a friend, a co-worker, a relative, or someone who you think might be helpful for me to interview next so the conversation can continue. Can I put you on the spot and ask?
I have a friend in colleague and I just saw something that she posted. I thought of her. Her name is Sura Kim. Her handle is Surah Flow. She has been a coach for a long time and she’s moved into the meditation space. What I love about the work that she does is it’s approachable. One thing that I hear literally at least three times a week, “I know I should meditate more.” People always have this idea that meditation is such a staple of wellness, which it should be but the way to approach it feels so daunting. I love the work that she’s doing because it’s approachable and easy. I think it could help a lot of people.
I appreciate it. I find you tremendously approachable. Thank you so much for that. I will reach out to her and connect. Randy, please tell our readers where can they find you? Where can they find your show?
You could find me on Instagram at @RandySpelling. I have many offerings and things on my website. It’s RandySpelling.com and the show is Oldish. You could read it anywhere. We have a website where you can get more footage and different things. It’s on OldishPodcast.com and the first episode of Season Two comes out soon.
I can’t wait. I’ve been watching it. I’m excited to see Season Two. Randy, thank you so much for your time, energy, and your thoughts. I appreciate it.
Thank you. You, too. Good to talk with you.
Thank you. Take care.
Thank you.
Important Links
- Randy Spelling
- Brian Austin Green
- Oldish
- Sura Kim – LinkedIn
- Surah Flow
- @RandySpelling – Instagram
About Randy Spelling
Randy Spelling is an American life coach, author, and former actor, best known for his work in helping individuals find purpose, fulfillment, and balance in their lives. As the son of legendary television producer Aaron Spelling, Randy grew up in the entertainment industry but later shifted his focus to personal development and wellness.
Through his coaching business, Randy Spelling Coaching, he guides clients in overcoming obstacles, building self-awareness, and achieving personal and professional growth. His approach emphasizes mindfulness, self-discovery, and practical strategies for living a more meaningful and authentic life.